POGO by Walt Kelly 12/31/1949

Wouldn't it be great if the current media types would send out this type of message throughout 2012? In an election year, with divisiveness running rampant it'll never happen! SIGH!    

SO HOW BAD DID THEY SMELL?

"Stinky Mao Tse-tung"

collage by Bob Kronlage

          I believe there are certain things we all commonly think in the back of our minds, but they are too psychologically funky to mention. One of these that I frequently think while learning about various historical figures is, “How bad did he smell?”

          Now Jesus, for instance, lived in a time when “bathing” was common place. Rich people and poor people alike regularly (even daily) visited public baths which were more along the lines of swimming pools than bath tubs. While they may not have used hot water, soap and shampoo, let’s face it, a daily dip in the water is gonna do you a world of good, hygiene – wise. So there you have it – Jesus Christ – class act, good smell.

          His followers during the crusades for instance, did not fare so well. Knights in so –called “shining armor” had young attendants who would assist them in getting into their armor each day. There was no way to really drop the lower half of the armor when nature called, thus, the knight could really do nothing but just let ‘er rip when necessary. At the end of the day, the assistant would need to wash out the armor and wash off the legs of the knight with buckets full of whatever water was available.

           I heard a bizarre rumor about Chairman Mao’s bizarre sense of humor. Allegedly, he was very amused by burdening others with his intense, lengthily fermented body odor. He found it a laugh riot when others had to politely endure his eye – wateringly foul stench throughout marathon length government ceremonies. According to the rumor, he particularly enjoyed repulsing pretty young women with his overpowering pungency. Admittedly, the rumor is probably not true, considering I heard virtually the same story regarding North Korea’s recently deceased Kim Jong – il.    

          Ancient Egyptian athletes would clean themselves with oils – covering their bodies with it, before an assistant would scrape it back off using metal scrapers. The oil, and the athletes’ newly added bi-products would be saved in urns. The wealthy would then rub the stuff all over themselves, convinced that the concoction could transfer the essence of the athlete’s vitality to whoever anointed themselves with the stuff. The ancient Egyptians had not invented hair shampooing. (It makes sense that the ancient aliens couldn’t have taught them shampooing since, as we know, all alien greys are hairless.) Instead the Egyptians would shave their heads and wear wigs to remain lice free.

          When one sees movies about foppish characters of the Wolfgang A. Mozart variety, think of people wearing all those layers and layers of clothes in a time without washing machines and detergent. Although I digress, when I saw these types in movies frolicking around after all those women in outrageously low- cut bodices, I wondered how in the world all the sexually active women weren’t pregnant all the time! Turns out, the men used ram’s bladders for condoms. Casanova wrote lengthy homages in praise of the ram’s bladder’s convenience and effectiveness. 

          There is an old story that used to get passed around in offices on Xeroxes, but now gets disseminated on the internet. Allegedly families in the middle ages would bathe annually, all using the same tub of water. Babies were washed last, by which time the water would be pitch black with dirt, hence the warning (soon to become an old cliché) “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.”    

            



Trending at number 1 -- ELLY MAY CLAMPETT?

I looked at Yahoo today and that's what it said! Had we entered some Bizarro alternate reality where people are actually interested in the celebrities I care about? Here's what its all about;
"Elly May Clampett" Actress Settles Suit Over Barbie Doll

NEW ORLEANS — The actress who played Elly May Clampett on the “The Beverly Hillbillies” has settled her lawsuit over a Barbie doll that uses the character’s name and likeness.

An attorney for actress Donna Douglas says she settled with CBS and toymaker Mattel this week. Douglas’ lawsuit had sought at least $75,000. Details of the settlement were confidential.

Douglas, 78, played the critter-loving tomboy for all nine seasons of the CBS comedy about a backwoods family that strikes oil and moves to Beverly Hills.

She claimed CBS Consumer Products Inc. and Mattel Inc. needed her approval for the Barbie. In court documents, CBS and Mattel said they didn’t need her OK because the network holds exclusive rights to the character.

Douglas, who lives in Louisiana and is now a gospel singer, was unavailable for comment. AP"

What five year old girl wouldn't simply be DYING to get her hands on an Elly May Barbie!? HIP & TRENDY! 

KAY MARTIN Best Album Cover Ever! 2.0 Upgrade!

BY FAR the most popular posting on this blog is “Kay Martin – Best Album Cover Ever!” It’s the cover of the album I Know What He Wants For Christmas... But I Don't Know How To Wrap It!. Considering the cover, I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am surprised, considering it contains NO INFORMATION AT ALL, except the cover. To give you what you want for Christmas, here is the Wikipedia entry on Ms. Martin:

“Kay Martin was a hotelier and ex-model, nightclub entertainer and "party album" singer, who owned the Kay Martin Lodge in Reno, Nevada.
Born in Bakersfield, California and part Cherokee Indian, modeling saw her featured in both Adam and Playboy magazines. She then met Jess Hotchkiss and Bill Elliott, who together established a nightclub act, billing themselves as "Kay Martin and Her Body Guards". The group later added Tony Bellson on drums, and Martin became married to Hotchkiss for a time as well.
In between shows they recorded several live albums, their most popular being the 1962 Christmas album I Know What He Wants For Christmas... But I Don't Know How To Wrap It!. The songs ranged from covers of traditional songs to double entendre and jokey banter.
Martin left performance for a business life, becoming proprietor of the Kay Martin Lodge with David Mullins in 1956, before passing away sometime between 2008-2011.”
Here is a link to A FREE MP3 DOWNLOAD of the album! http://thegroovegrotto.blogspot.com
Now that I have given you a link to a free download of a risqué novelty Christmas record, you can read the blog below and see that I am A TOTAL HYPOCRITE!
Anyway, MERRY X-MAS! (Let’s keep Christ’s good name out of this!)

   

HAVE A CORNY, CRASS, TACKY, SOULLESS CHRISTMAS YA REDNECK MORON!

The following CDs are currently available for your holiday listening. I don't believe in religion, but oddly enough, I see things like these that cheapen Christmas and they depress me. They also make me question if people have ANY minimum standard for humor. Let's laugh AT them, rather than WITH them, shall we?

LEFT Pull My Finger! Jingle Smells. includes; 12 Farts of Xmas, We Wish You A Smelly Xmas, Oh Gassy Tree, Soil the Halls
RIGHT Santa the Redneck. includes; We Wish You A Merry Mullet, O Come All Ye Shiners, Away in the Beer Keg

LEFT Rudy the Redbone Coon Hound includes; I Shot Christmas Dinner, No Shirt No Shoes No Santa, O Redneck Night
RIGHT 12 Redneck Days of Christmas includes Grandpa Shot Rudolph, Frosty the Beer Mug, Santa The Redneck, Rudy the Redbone Coon Hound

Rudy the Redneck Reindeer Volume 1&2 include; Rudoph Drank the Moonshine, 12 Redneck Days of Christmas

Bubba Claus Vol.1 & 2 (they didn't even bother to take a second photo of Bubba, they just reversed it)
include; Here Comes Bubba Claus, Maxin' Out Our Credit Once Again, Frosty the Beer Mug, We're Havin' Roadkill for Christmas Dinner, I Saw Momma Whippin' Bubba Claus, Up on the Outhouse, Bubba Claus got Rudolph Drunk Again.

LEFT Christmas At The Paradise Trailer Park Y'all. includes; Christmas Eve Warrant, Frosty the Redneck, Hark! Hear My Hemi Roar
RIGHT A Biker's Holiday. includes; Joy to the Hog, All I Want for Christmas is A New Tattoo, Oh! Chrome Intake, Hark! Hear My V-Twin Sing

LEFT If Toothpaste Tasted Like Christmas Dinner, I'd Have More Than One Tooth! includes; Christmas At Bubba's, Santa Ain't No Yankee, Bockin' Good Christmas
RIGHT Matt Roger's Rated X-Mas. The only songs on it NOT too filthy to list; Drunken Santa's Coming to Town, Frosty the Pervert, Have Yourself a 1-900 CHRISTMAS, Have a Pornographic Christmas

SERIOUSLY, remember Christ and his incredible contribution to history, spend quality time with your loved ones, and be SUPER - KIND to your fellow humans!


     

And now our feature presentation; MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER; DIABOLIK

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

          December 6^th 2011 saw the release of “The Simpsons Season 14” on DVD (YAY!) and the “Mystery Science Theater Volume XXII” DVD Box set. It was like Christmas came 19 days early.

          Apparently “The Simpsons” will be returning next year (YAY!) for their 25^th and final (BOO!) season, so I can procrastinate writing about them for a while.

          I’m really surprised how often I mention Mystery Science Theater 3000 to someone and they have never heard of it. Fans of the show have heard the basics 100 times, but I can’t resist chewing this well gnawed cabbage yet again.

          Joel Hodgson was such a great prop comic that it’s not even an insult to refer to him as a prop comic. He made several appearances doing his stand up routines on “Late Night with David Letterman” and “Saturday Night Live”. Disappointed at how quickly national television exposure eats up material, he returned home to his native Minnesota wanting to do regular TV to force himself to generate material on a regular basis.

          In 1988 he found KTMA-TV VHF. (There were still VHF stations in 1988 !?) The station had next to no money, but had a library of terrible movies they could broadcast for free. Joel hit on the sci-fi concept of a man shot into outer space and forced by mad scientists to watch the world’s worst movies as torture disguised as an experiment.

          Joel had been making robot sculptures built from various odds and ends found at thrift shops, and had been selling them at a local store. He was a fan of the Bruce Dern movie “Silent Runnings”, about a lonely astronaut who builds a pair of robots to keep him company. Hodgson built a pair of wise cracking robot puppets, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, to help defend him in the assault of awfulness from the films. They would mercilessly heckle the films to perserve Joel's sanity.

          Inspired by an illustration from Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” album, Joel got the idea of having Joel, the ‘bots, and a row of theater seats appear as silhouettes in front of the movie screen. (Also reminiscent of gags in old Bugs Bunny cartoons.)   

          The show quickly established a tradition that almost all of the show’s characters were played by the show’s writers. (A few remaining characters were played by members of the technical crew.) Joel played Joel Robinson, referring to the space family Robinson of “Lost In Space”. Trace Beaulieu (every speller’s worst nightmare, and co-designer of the show’s elaborate and stylish sets) played the duel roles of Dr. Clayton Forester and Crow. Josh Weinstein played Dr. Larry Erhardt and the original voice of Servo. A third robot, the sweet and girly Gypsy was voiced in falsetto by various men, most notably producer Jim Malon.

         The show was picked up by Comedy Central in 1989. To their credit, the creators refused to leave Hopkins Minnesota, and always produced the show away from the prying of network execs. After the first season on Comedy Central (then known as The Comedy Channel) Weintsein quit. He was replaced by a new character, TV’s Frank played by Frank Conniff, and Servo now found his definitive voice, from the great Kevin Murphy. Although the movie heckling (called “riffing”) will always be the meat of the program, the show’s creators contributed highly original skits involving the show’s characters to lead in and out of the commercial breaks.

          The show’s most controversial change occurred in 1994, when Joel quit and was replaced by Mike Nelson. While Joel was sleepy-voiced and rather laconic, Nelson had a cheerier personality, and looked like a more conventional, wholesome, handsome TV show host. What many fans did not realize at the time was that Nelson was the show’s long – time head writer, and had been virtually unrecognizable playing dozens of parts in the shows skits through the years. Towards the end of the show’s Comedy Central run, Frank Conniff quit. Clayton’s comic foil was now his mother Pearl, played by the wonderful Mary Jo Pehl.

          In 1996, around the time the show was cancelled by Comedy Central, the shows’ creators, collectively known as Best Brains, got a deal with Universal Pictures for a feature film deal. The movie arose at an odd time in the show’s history, when Mike had not satisfactorily established himself as the show’s host, and Clayton had no comic partner to play off of. The movie did not expand the TV show’s parameters and was actually shorter than any of the TV episodes.

          In 1997, The Sci-Fi channel picked up MST3K (as it was relatively conveniently abbreviated). Personally, I think it was in the Sci-Fi Channel years that the show really hit its stride. Of course, Joel was the show’s mastermind—he created all the show’s tissue thin, yet somehow mysterious and believable “reality”, and came up with all the show’s ingenious concepts. There would never have been an MST3K without his creative genius. Kevin Murphy is right, however, when he says, “Mike Nelson is one of the six or seven funniest people in the world”. Also, I believe the show was at it’s funniest at the end, at least partly because they had done it for so long, they were now extreme pros at producing its style of humor. Trace Beaulieu had left the show, and Pearl was now the villain, accompanied by her stooges, Professor Bobo (Kevin Murphy) and Brain Guy, played by great newcomer Bill Corbett.

          The final produced show “Diabolik” made its broadcast debut August 08, 1999. “Merlyn’s Shop of Mystic Wonders”, produced earlier, became the last aired episode debuting September12, 1999. Its debut was delayed due to delays in clearing the rights to the film.

          AND THE REST… Two other important writer / performers on MST3K were Bridgette Jones (real – life wife of Mike Nelson) and Paul Chaplin, both of whom played several characters on the show, but somehow, never ended up in major recurring roles.

          Since the show’s cancellation, Hodgson, Beaulieu, Conniff, Pehl & Weinstein tour as Cinematic Titanic, screening movies and riffing on them live. Nelson, Murphy and Corbett created a series of DVDs under the name “The Film Crew”, which includes a riffed movie and wrap around skits that, oddly enough, are parodies of “Ask This Old House”. They also created something called “Riff Trax” which allows them to sync up their riffing with movies they could never get the rights to (ie; Star Wars)  

TOP 20 FAVORITES EPISODES

1) Diabolik That rare thing – the only movie they’ve done that I would enjoy watching without the MST3K treatment. It’s ultra groovy! – Never released on home video, but now it’s just a slide and a click away!

2) Manos (the Hand of Fate) The Essentials 2 DVD Set

3) Santa Clause Conquers the Martians The Essentials 2 DVD Set

4) Pod People MST3K Collection Volume 2

5) Sidehackers MST3K Collection Volume 3

6) Overdrawn at the Memory Bank MST3K Collection Volume 4

7) Space Mutiny MST3K Collection Volume 4

8) Boggy Creek II; and the Legend Continues MST3K Collection Volume 5

9) Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders MST3K Collection Volume 5

10) Time Chasers MST3K Collection Volume 5

11) The Touch of Satan MST3K Collection Volume 5

12) Hobgoblins MST3K Collection Volume 8

13) The Giant Spider Invasion MST3K Collection Volume 10

14) Ring of Terror MST3K Collection Volume 11

15) Parts: The Clonus Horror MST3K Collection Volume 12

16) Future Wars 20^th Anniversary Collection

17) Werewolf 20^th Anniversary Collection

18)  Soultaker MST3K Collection Volume XIV

19) Warrior from the Lost World MST3K Collection Volume XVI

20) Crash of the Moons MST3K Collection Volume XVIII                       

KOZMO is international sensation!

                                                          copyright 2011 Bob Kronlage   

Since it debuted in April, www.kozmoofthecosmos.com home of the comic strip Kozmo of the Cosmos, has been viewed by fans in The U.S., Spain, Russian Federation, Argentina, Germany, Egypt, The Czech Republic, Great Britain, Canada, Columbia, Thailand, China, Puerto Rico, The Netherlands, Italy, Bosnia – Herzegovina, Sri – Lanka, Portugal, Peru, Israel, The Philippines, Poland, India, Malaysia, and The Ukraine.

Don’t be the last person in the world to check it out!      

I KNOW TV WILL CONTINUE TO GET WORSE -- BUT HOW?

(photocollage by Bob Kronlage)

Consider some of the “gems” currently brightening and enriching our viewing lives;

1) Sons of Guns

“Reality” show about an all - American family who make their living by transforming your ordinary gun into a super-powered assault weapon.

2) American Guns

“Reality” show about an all - American family who make their living by transforming your ordinary gun into a super-powered assault weapon.

3) Lady Hoggers

A pair of hot ladies hunt wild boar, but mainly with the assistance of a man. (Not to be confused with American Hoggers)

4) Swamp People I don’t care how many of them there are, there ain’t a full set of teeth between ‘em!

5) Hillbilly Hand Fishing Like “Swamp People” without the swamp.

6) Maury Daily public paternity testing. Typical Episode “My mom’s boyfriend got me pregnant!” Is she lying? Only the test knows for sure.

7) The Family Guy Total Simpsons rip-off, only really degrading and hateful. Some typical episodes; The dad is proud to learn his wife has had sex with all 4 members of KISS. The dad sells his daughter into prostitution for beer money. Typical gags: Dad calls his daughter close to him so he can wipe a booger on her. Despite her protests, dad forces his wife to stand on a rickety balcony he has just built. It collapses leaving her in a crumpled heap with obviously broken bones. Dad’s punch line, “HA! Lois, you’re such a drunk!”  Lots of room for making fun of the physically and mentally disabled and gays with AIDS. Oh yes, then there's the "hilarious" elderly child - molester next door. The broadcast equivalent of sticking a finger down your throat.

8) Toddlers and Tiaras Little girls aged 5 and under get professional make-up and wear sexy outfits to compete in beauty pageants.

9) Outdoor Network The network that realizes you can only fully appreciate the outdoors if you’re killing animals while you’re out there. ‘Round the clock hunting shows! Example Crush with Lee and Tiffany “Young outdoor couple hunts for white tail deer in Eastern Iowa.”

10) American Moonshiners The extremely covert, illegal activity of moonshining, with all it’s perpetrators now starring on national TV!

11) E! or the 24 hour Kardashians channel.

12) I’m 16 and Pregnant Way to get your own MTV show, girl!

13) MSNBC’s Weekend Prison Programming Nothing but reality shows about people in prison ALL WEEKEND LONG!

14) Green Screen Adventures So-bad-it’s –unwatchable kids show, badly acted by embarrassingly unfunny “actors” in moronic costumes and performing in obnoxiously stupid voices – and doing so as if they think they are being extremely clever. Also, it appears to be VERY POORLY DUBBED from another language. Runs about 3 hours weekend mornings on ME-TV.

15) Mad Money with Jim Cramer For an hour each week night, the world’s most obnoxious, hyperactive idiot hollers at you because he instinctively knows you are too stupid to understand how brilliant and fascinating he is.

16) Ancient Aliens Hours and hours of imagined “evidence” to justify the theory that our ancient ancestors were too stupid and unimaginative to accomplish anything without the intervention of space aliens. I happened to catch the following priceless tid-bit; Even current scientists cannot graft a monkey head onto a human being, yet ancient Egyptians depict human beings with dog heads in their art. Therefore they must have met space aliens who had mastered dog head to human transplants!  

  

  

BOB'S PREDICTIONS -- On The Economy & Politics

This is an extreme rarity. I am going to make an economic prediction. If Congress DOES NOT pass further extensions of Unemployment Benefits, the Unemployment Rate will continue to decrease throughout June of next year. This is so simple I’m surprised no one is commenting on it. The unemployment rate does not reflect the actual number of people who are unemployed; it only reflects the number of people who are currently collecting unemployment benefits.

          As it stands now, a person may collect their regular duration of benefits, plus three or four extensions depending on how high their state’s Unemployment Rate is. As it stands now (as long as Congress does not pass more extensions), whatever tier of benefits you are on at the end of this calendar year is the last balance of money you can collect. Of course, some people have run out a little earlier, say, in November – so voila! The Unemployment Rate (surprise, surprise) has now dropped from 9% to 8.6%. With no new extensions, even the people signing up for a new, regular claim now will exhaust their money in (at the most) six months. So, from January 2012 to June 2012, every month – in fact, every week, the Unemployment Rate will improve as more and more claimants exhaust their last week of Unemployment Benefits.

           I am an Unemployment Claims expert and have worked in Unemployment extensively for most of the last 24 years. I am not saying people can’t get jobs and their Unemployment is just running out. There are as many different situations as there are people. Every day I speak to people who are clearly sincere in their efforts to find work. Every day I also speak to a smaller number of people who clearly are NOT looking very hard for work. (We have had waitresses and fast food workers who have exhausted their money. Are we really expected to believe they could not find comparable work IN TWO YEARS!?) Of course, there are the “hard to place” claimants – my heart goes out particularly to the older workers who have a notably hard time finding work despite their best efforts.  In the last couple months I have noted A SURPRISINGLY LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE TELLING ME THEY GOT A JOB, OR HAVE HAD, OR ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A PROMISING INTERVIEW. My perception (for what it’s worth) is that the job situation IS getting better.

           At the risk of boring you, Unemployment Benefits were created during FDR’s administration, as a safeguard against another depression. It is intended to prevent an endless downward cycle ie; my employer went broke, the former employees have no choice but to accept much lower paying positions, they have no choice but to spend less money, so other businesses make less and have to lay off more employees who will have to accept lower paying jobs etc. Unemployment benefits provide you a small safeguard against having to take A MUCH LOWER PAYING JOB RIGHT AWAY for the sake of keeping your family fed and a roof over your head.

          Every state pays a different amount of benefits. The average state pays a weekly amount slightly better than a FT minimum wage job would pay. Many people who now realize they are going to exhaust their benefits may have to set their standards of what they will accept a little lower. Anyone who gets some kind of a full time job, or a couple part time jobs, should not be earning considerably less than they got on unemployment. By the way, the longer you go without employment, the harder it is to get a job, so if you at least have some type of job, you do not have a huge hole in your employment history that a perspective (better paying) employer could question.

          HERE IS MY BIGGEST PREDICTION – due to the constantly lowering unemployment rate over the first six months of next year, the economy will be perceived as vastly improving and Obama will  be reelected.     

From "Tideland" by Terry Gilliam

George Schlatter defends "Turn On"

FLOPS!

Happy American family in their new 1959 Edsel

As a person with no talent who has never accomplished anything in his life, I take particular pleasure in reveling in the failure of others. (Admit it – you do too. We all do!) It is in this spirit that the following blog is submitted.

FILM

          What is the lowest grossing film of all time?

According to Wikipedia 

The Worst Movie Ever! is a 2011 action comedy musical film, written, produced, and directed by Glenn Berggoetz. The film had its theatrical premiere on August 19, 2011, in a single cinema, the Laemmle Sunset 5 in Los Angeles, resulting in the theater's worst box office results ever: just one paid admission and grossing just $11. According to director Glenn Berggoetz, the film sold just one ticket over the weekend (for the sole Saturday screening), with nobody attending the Friday screening.

Zyzzyx Road

(pronounced /zəˈzɪzɪks/ zə-ziz-iks) is a 2006 independent thriller film. It stars Leo Grillo, Katherine Heigl, and Tom Sizemore. The screenplay was written by John Penney, who also directed the film. The film has gained a degree of notoriety due to its extremely low U.S. box office gross ($30 USD).

Zyzzyx Road

was shown once a day at noon for seven days (February 25 through March 2, 2006) at Highland Park Village Theater in Dallas, Texas, a movie theater rented by the producers for $1,000. The limited release was deliberate: Grillo was uninterested in releasing the film domestically until it underwent foreign distribution, but needed to fulfill the U.S. release obligation required by the Screen Actors Guild for low-budget films (films with budgets less than $2.5 million that are not for the direct-to-video market). The strategy had the side effect of making the film at the time the lowest grossing film of all time, earning just $30 at the box office from six patrons. Unofficially, its opening weekend netted $20. The $10 difference is due to a personal refund by Grillo to makeup artist Sheila Moore, who had worked on the film, and her friend. It has since been beaten by the film The Worst Movie Ever! which took in $11 and sold only one ticket.Both

Zyzzyx Road

and the similarly named Zzyzx have been cited as the lowest-grossing film of all time.
The low gross of the former could have been a publicity stunt. The low gross of the latter was clearly due to unusual circumstances. The lowest box office gross I have found, that appears to be legitimate (ie; the gross was low because no one went to it) is the 1982 Columbian film Contaminacion. By this films tenth anniversary (1992) the film had grossed $1,500.
          The brilliant but extremely erratic filmmaker Terry Gilliam created Tideland in 2004. It was not released in the U.S. until almost a year later, when it appeared in one theatre and grossed $7,276.

                                            More Edsels


TELEVISION
What is the lowest rated TV show of all time?
In July 2004, famous tennis playing hot-head John McEnroe began a CNBC talk show entitled McEnroe. The show was unsuccessful, twice earning a 0.0 Nielsen rating, and was cancelled within five months. It’s the first show in the history of TV that scored so low it was a mathematical possibility that NO ONE watched it.

What was the TV show that was cancelled the quickest?
ABC’s Turn On! Was, arguably, cancelled in 11 minutes. Turn-On was an American sketch comedy series that aired on ABC in February 1969. Again, per Wikipedia: Turn-On's premise was that it was produced by a computer, though this was not the case. Distinguishing characteristics of the show were its use of the Moog synthesizer and lack of sets, except for a white backdrop. Unlike Laugh-In the show "focused almost exclusively on sex as a comedic subject", using various rapid-fire jokes and risqué skits but no laugh track. The program was also filmed instead of presented live or on videotape. Several of the jokes were presented with the screen divided into four squares resembling comic strip panels. The production credits of the episode appeared after each commercial break, instead of conventionally at the beginning or end.
(The show’s host) Tim Conway has stated that Turn-On was canceled midway through its only episode, so that the party the cast and crew held for its premiere as the show aired across the United States also marked its cancellation. Cleveland's WEWS stopped the episode before it finished (after "11 minutes", according to Conway).^[5] The station sent ABC network management an angry telegram: "If your naughty little boys have to write dirty words on the walls, please don't use our walls." Denver, Colorado's KBTV did not air the episode, stating that after previewing it "We have decided, without hesitation, that it would be offensive to a major segment of the audience"; ABC's Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington affiliates also decided to not show the episode. Viewers of Little Rock, Arkansas's KATV, which disliked the show but decided to air it, "jam[med] the station's switchboard" with complaints.
Turn-On was not officially cancelled for several days, but WEWS, KBTV, and KATV told ABC that they would not air the show again, and Bristol-Myers ordered Schlatter and Friendly to end production. ABC received 369 calls of complaint during the show, compared to 20 supporting it. Announcer Gary Owens was busy when it aired, so he has never seen his own show.
So, what the heck was so offensive? Here is Wikipedia’s outline of the shows contents

·                    Two policemen say, "Let us spray," before spraying cans of mace at the camera.

·                    A firing squad prepares to shoot an attractive woman when the squad leader says, "Excuse me, miss, but in this case we are the ones with one final request." (This skit was recycled in Schlatter's revival of Laugh-In in 1978, with no complaints.)

·                    A bikini-wearing Teresa Graves lounges on a park bench surrounded by cardboard bushes. She exclaims, "I feel so guilty - I mean, lying here and all." Pause. "I should be out *shopping* somewhere!"

·                    An armed hijacker tells an ersatz Superman: "OK buddy, take me to Cuba."

·                    Chuck McCann, dressed as a cop, prowls around cardboard bushes with his nightstick while singing, "Hello, young lovers, wherever you are ..."

·                    "The Body Politic", shown three times during the episode, featured a buxom, reclining blonde (Maura McGiveney) saying things like "Mr. Nixon, as President, now becomes the titular head of the Republican Party."

·                    McGiveny asks Tim Conway if he loves her. Conway gets offended, telling her that he just met her and, for all he knows, she could be a "a pot-smoking, jaded, wild-eyed, radical dropout." When McGiveny tells him that she's just that, he says, "I love you!"

·                    A sleazy TV pitchman (Robert Staats) promotes a breakfast cereal "soaked in mescaline."

·                    The same pitchman appears in a second spoof commercial selling women's shoes, though he is gradually revealed to be a foot fetishist.

·                    A diagram of a swastika is displayed as a narrator says, "You are now looking at the table at the Paris peace accords agreed to by General Ky."

·                    Several homosexual-themed messages scrolling across the screen, including "God Save the Queens", "Free Oscar Wilde" and "The Amsterdam Levee is a dike".

·                    A pregnant woman singing "I Got Rhythm" (alluding to the rhythm method of birth control).

·                    A vending machine dispensing the birth control pill, with an anxious young woman putting coins into it and then feverishly shaking the broken machine (some ABC affiliates cut the show off after this sketch).

·                    A draft-dodger holding a sign reading Sweden.

·                    Conway, dressed in a samurai outfit and speaking mock Japanese, is revealed to be university president/politician S.I. Hayakawa.

·                    A black man, face-to-face with a white man, says, "Mom always did like you best!" (an allusion to a popular catchphrase of The Smothers Brothers)

·                    One cop, played by Chuck McCann, asks a second, "You want to take some of this pornographic literature home with you tonight?" The colleague replies, "I don't even have a pornograph!" McCann then rips up a skin magazine and begins eating the pieces.

·                    A commercial spoof shows Conway touting a masculine deodorant while lifting weights and working out. "When I'm all through, I smell like a lady," he concludes and is shown in drag.

·                    In another commercial parody, Conway is shown wearing a tuxedo, and heavy eye mascara.

·                    A sequence (the show's longest) with the word sex flashing on and off in pulsating colors while Conway and Bonnie Boland leer at each other.^[3] Various stock photographs are displayed during the sequence, including one of Pope Paul VI.

·                    Conway as spokesman for "Citizens Action Committee of America," a group with the acronym CACA.

·                    The black programmer shown programming the computer supposedly generating the show says he dreamed he was a duck in Lester Maddox's bathtub. "I migrated," he says.

·                    A young woman in cap and gown is shown lobbing a hand grenade.

·                    Two men (Hamilton Camp and Chuck McCann) are standing at a globe. "Tell me," one says to the other, "where is the capital of South Vietnam?" The second man spins the globe and points, "Mostly over here, in Swiss bank accounts."

·                    A Catholic nun asks a priest, "Father, can I have the car tonight?" The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit."

·                    Conway tells Graves, "I was so damned angry when I found out my kids were popping pills, I went out and got drunk."

·                    One message scrolled across the screen: "Israel Uber Alles."

·                    A recurring series of skits with Conway as a marriage counselor in session with an African American husband and an Asian wife. The last state laws against interracial marriages had been struck down only two years earlier.

·                    Two men in Stetson hats defend the principles of Southern womanhood. One then says to the other, "Come on, big beauty," and they hold hands and walk out effeminately.

·                    A white Southern hotel guest phones the main desk about the Gideon Bible which states "'Moses married an Ethiopian woman' ... in the Atlanta Hilton!?!"

·                    A puppet snake says, "Remember, folks, I could have given Eve the apple and the Pill!"

 

IF IT PAYS TO BEAT A DEAD HORSE WITH A SPATULA, THEN THAT'S GOOD ADVERTISING !

Wow! Bizarre. This and the next ad are from around 1890!

But, as Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

What the heck does this ad mean? Copy reads;
"Be Grateful For That Plateful
American chow,
is better right now,
than millions abroad have been getting,
So it gives us a pain,
when people complain,
at the table Uncle Sam is setting!"
Smoothness, one of the 5 Crowns is force-feeding peas and mashed potatoes to "Toughness the Wanter".The other 5 Crowns; Flavor, Lightness, Body & Richness watch, peeking from behind a partly opened door. This ad is from the 1940s.

Copy reads, "Should a Gentleman offer a Tiparillo to a Librarian?"
Nowadays, a naked librarian would be embarrassed to be seen smoking in public.

Copy reads: "Know why Wolfschmidt Vodka's making such a splash? Because it's the only vodka that's won 33 medals!"
"When I hear that I feel like shouting Bloody Mary!"
What kind of medals do vodkas win? Apparently that's none of our business. In the late 1960's most people still believed you shouldn't eat within an hour before swimming, but apparently alcohol consumption was practically recomended. 
  

BACK FROM THE GRAVE Rockin' 1966 Punkers!

          I love compilation CDs of impossibly obscure, great old singles. These compilations allow a cheapskate geek like me to own hundreds and hundreds of ultra – cool songs without having to waste the money and time that collector geeks spend to score the original old records.

          In the area of 60’s rock ‘n’ roll, the Nuggets and Pebbles series get the lion’s share of critical attention. Every Pebbles disc has at least  three or four mind blowing classics, and the first two Nuggets boxes are sheer ambrosia. My favorite however, is the Back From The Grave series. While Pebbles and Nuggets intermix garage band trash (That’s a compliment!) with psychedelia*, folk rock* and full - blown pop music productions**, “Back From the Grave” never veers from pure, sinister, ultra primitive, demonic, garage band trash! Before the more common term “garage band rock ‘n’ roll” took over, this type of music was referred to as “60’s punk”, and these comps show the accuracy of that term! You won’t think for one second that any of these musicians are professionals or over the age of twenty at the most. (And that’s the way rock ‘n’ roll is supposed to be!!!) On the CDs there are five volumes, numbering 1 through 4, then skipping to #8. (There were eight original vinyl double - record volumes, the contents of which can fit into five digital discs, so apparently the fifth CD is listed as the “eighth”  as a sign of completeness.) Each of these CDs contains between 29 & 32 songs!

       These songs have to be heard to be believed, but I can’t resist trying to describe a few. On Volume One; “Jack the Ripper” by The One Way Streets, in which the singer is out in the slum after dark in the age of the Ripper murders. The song is something of a call and response, with the lead singing things like “Now I hear my mother calling me”, followed by the band shouting “Jack the Rippa! Jack the Rippa!”. He needn’t have worried – at the end of the song he realizes he is Jack the Ripper. The lyrics (but not the wild music) of “Surfside Date” by The Triumphs is a great, sarcastic fun – in – the- sun parody; “We’ll take a dip in the waves / Like sun – ripened surfside slaves / After that usual razzamatazz / I’ll take you home and all that jazz / We’ve had a surfside date!” When someone unearthed it years later, they assumed “The Crusher” by The Novas featured the TV wrestler The Crusher on lead vocals. However, it was really a 300 pound 16 year old boy imitating “the great athlete”. The lyrics go along the lines of, ”Do the hammer lock, Do the hammer lock, Do the hammer lock you turkey - necks, everybody do it now. ROAR!!! Do the eye gouge, Do the eye gouge, Do the eye gouge you turkey necks etc.)

          Volume Two is just as great – among the many highlight is “Willie the Wild One” by Willie the Wild One. According to the song, the guy drives a motor cycle and has long purple hair. After singing the verses he likes to holler masochistically “AW – SUFFER!” Oddly, Conrad Birdie, the Elvis parody character in the wholesome Broadway play “Bye, Bye Birdie” frequently yells that during one of his songs, after which the girls all swoon.  

            The insanity is unabated through Volumes Three & Four. The former kicks off with a gloriously tacky, hyperactive organ riff from “In the Hall of the Mountain King” introducing the great “Stormy” by The Jesters of Newport”; “ I love you girl, but you’ll never adore me / You’re like the ocean / You’re stormy”. “Nonymous” by The Treytones sports the lyric, “Had a blind date the other night / She looked like the loser of a hatchet fight!” The song is unrelenting until the band stops on a dime after the lead singer shouts “That’s it! I Quit!”

            The latter has “The Snails’ Love Song” by The Snails. The band plays the same four note R&B riff over and over again, while the vocalist (an ultra nerdy looking white teenage boy – pictured in the CDs booklet) does a James Brown type rap: “Yeh, we’re the snails, (“audience” cheers) over here is Mister Randy Corley on gee-tar (“audience” cheers)” Apparently the band invited about a dozen friends into the studio to create a party atmosphere -- punctuated by cheers from the audience and calls for sandwiches! Volume four also includes two songs by The Spiders, Alice Cooper’s original teen garage band!

          By the way, the same label, Crypt, that released Back From the Grave, also released two volumes of Garage Punk Unknowns. Every one of the 31 songs on Volume One is great. It includes great Mersey Beat style remakes of Bobby Vinton’s Roses are Red My Love, and

Frankie Lane

’s Jezebel. It’s every bit as great as the first four volumes of Back from… and beats that series’ lackluster Volume Eight all to hell. Garage Punk Unknowns Vol. One is a tad less wild than that other series – perhaps that warranted a different title in the producer’s minds. Like Back From 8, Volume Two of Garage Punk Unknowns is a disappointment too, except for The Little Boy Blues remake of The Yardbirds remake of Tiny Bradshaw’s R&B classic “Train Kept A Rollin’”. It features the wild, rewritten lyric, “She was a heifer, and I’m a real gone stud!” I recommend getting the song on the vastly superior Pebbles Volume 10.

      

         

* (not that there’s anything wrong with it)

** (not that there’s anything wrong with ‘em)