SO HOW BAD DID THEY SMELL?

"Stinky Mao Tse-tung"

collage by Bob Kronlage

          I believe there are certain things we all commonly think in the back of our minds, but they are too psychologically funky to mention. One of these that I frequently think while learning about various historical figures is, “How bad did he smell?”

          Now Jesus, for instance, lived in a time when “bathing” was common place. Rich people and poor people alike regularly (even daily) visited public baths which were more along the lines of swimming pools than bath tubs. While they may not have used hot water, soap and shampoo, let’s face it, a daily dip in the water is gonna do you a world of good, hygiene – wise. So there you have it – Jesus Christ – class act, good smell.

          His followers during the crusades for instance, did not fare so well. Knights in so –called “shining armor” had young attendants who would assist them in getting into their armor each day. There was no way to really drop the lower half of the armor when nature called, thus, the knight could really do nothing but just let ‘er rip when necessary. At the end of the day, the assistant would need to wash out the armor and wash off the legs of the knight with buckets full of whatever water was available.

           I heard a bizarre rumor about Chairman Mao’s bizarre sense of humor. Allegedly, he was very amused by burdening others with his intense, lengthily fermented body odor. He found it a laugh riot when others had to politely endure his eye – wateringly foul stench throughout marathon length government ceremonies. According to the rumor, he particularly enjoyed repulsing pretty young women with his overpowering pungency. Admittedly, the rumor is probably not true, considering I heard virtually the same story regarding North Korea’s recently deceased Kim Jong – il.    

          Ancient Egyptian athletes would clean themselves with oils – covering their bodies with it, before an assistant would scrape it back off using metal scrapers. The oil, and the athletes’ newly added bi-products would be saved in urns. The wealthy would then rub the stuff all over themselves, convinced that the concoction could transfer the essence of the athlete’s vitality to whoever anointed themselves with the stuff. The ancient Egyptians had not invented hair shampooing. (It makes sense that the ancient aliens couldn’t have taught them shampooing since, as we know, all alien greys are hairless.) Instead the Egyptians would shave their heads and wear wigs to remain lice free.

          When one sees movies about foppish characters of the Wolfgang A. Mozart variety, think of people wearing all those layers and layers of clothes in a time without washing machines and detergent. Although I digress, when I saw these types in movies frolicking around after all those women in outrageously low- cut bodices, I wondered how in the world all the sexually active women weren’t pregnant all the time! Turns out, the men used ram’s bladders for condoms. Casanova wrote lengthy homages in praise of the ram’s bladder’s convenience and effectiveness. 

          There is an old story that used to get passed around in offices on Xeroxes, but now gets disseminated on the internet. Allegedly families in the middle ages would bathe annually, all using the same tub of water. Babies were washed last, by which time the water would be pitch black with dirt, hence the warning (soon to become an old cliché) “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.”