(photocollage by Bob Kronlage)
Consider some of the “gems” currently brightening and enriching our viewing lives;
1) Sons of Guns
“Reality” show about an all - American family who make their living by transforming your ordinary gun into a super-powered assault weapon.
2) American Guns
“Reality” show about an all - American family who make their living by transforming your ordinary gun into a super-powered assault weapon.
3) Lady Hoggers
A pair of hot ladies hunt wild boar, but mainly with the assistance of a man. (Not to be confused with American Hoggers)
4) Swamp People I don’t care how many of them there are, there ain’t a full set of teeth between ‘em!
5) Hillbilly Hand Fishing Like “Swamp People” without the swamp.
6) Maury Daily public paternity testing. Typical Episode “My mom’s boyfriend got me pregnant!” Is she lying? Only the test knows for sure.
7) The Family Guy Total Simpsons rip-off, only really degrading and hateful. Some typical episodes; The dad is proud to learn his wife has had sex with all 4 members of KISS. The dad sells his daughter into prostitution for beer money. Typical gags: Dad calls his daughter close to him so he can wipe a booger on her. Despite her protests, dad forces his wife to stand on a rickety balcony he has just built. It collapses leaving her in a crumpled heap with obviously broken bones. Dad’s punch line, “HA! Lois, you’re such a drunk!” Lots of room for making fun of the physically and mentally disabled and gays with AIDS. Oh yes, then there's the "hilarious" elderly child - molester next door. The broadcast equivalent of sticking a finger down your throat.
8) Toddlers and Tiaras Little girls aged 5 and under get professional make-up and wear sexy outfits to compete in beauty pageants.
9) Outdoor Network The network that realizes you can only fully appreciate the outdoors if you’re killing animals while you’re out there. ‘Round the clock hunting shows! Example Crush with Lee and Tiffany “Young outdoor couple hunts for white tail deer in Eastern Iowa .”
10) American Moonshiners The extremely covert, illegal activity of moonshining, with all it’s perpetrators now starring on national TV!
11) E! or the 24 hour Kardashians channel.
12) I’m 16 and Pregnant Way to get your own MTV show, girl!
13) MSNBC’s Weekend Prison Programming Nothing but reality shows about people in prison ALL WEEKEND LONG!
14) Green Screen Adventures So-bad-it’s –unwatchable kids show, badly acted by embarrassingly unfunny “actors” in moronic costumes and performing in obnoxiously stupid voices – and doing so as if they think they are being extremely clever. Also, it appears to be VERY POORLY DUBBED from another language. Runs about 3 hours weekend mornings on ME-TV.
15) Mad Money with Jim Cramer For an hour each week night, the world’s most obnoxious, hyperactive idiot hollers at you because he instinctively knows you are too stupid to understand how brilliant and fascinating he is.
16) Ancient Aliens Hours and hours of imagined “evidence” to justify the theory that our ancient ancestors were too stupid and unimaginative to accomplish anything without the intervention of space aliens. I happened to catch the following priceless tid-bit; Even current scientists cannot graft a monkey head onto a human being, yet ancient Egyptians depict human beings with dog heads in their art. Therefore they must have met space aliens who had mastered dog head to human transplants!
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