DAVY JONES Before they Made A Monkee Out of Him!

Davy Jones passed away this morning of a heart attack. He was 66. When I read that he died, I didn’t think,” What a coincidence, I was just thinking of The Monkees this morning.” I didn’t think that, because I think of The Monkees every day. I have a framed Monkees drum skin, with that great Monkees logo silk screened onto it, and the autographs of all four Monkees, hanging in my bedroom right next to my light switch. Miraculously, a few years ago when my house was seriously damaged in a flood, that drum skin, which I foolishly had setting on the floor, propped up against a wall, came out of the disaster in mint condition. Anyway, every time I walk into or out of the bedroom or flick on the light, The Monkees flash across my mind for a few seconds.

Back in the late sixties, when it was revealed to the public that the Monkees did not play the instruments on their first two albums, the gross stereotype was cast – that the Monkees had no talent, no experience, had not paid their dues, and were just handed multi-millionaire superstardom on a silver platter. In reality, all four of them had previous, professional show business, and professional musical credentials.

In mid 1960, after appearing in various school and church plays throughout the 1950s, Davy landed a role in the BBC television play June Evening. In 1961 he played a major part in the BBC radio play There Is a Happy Land. He appeared in the Granada television production A Man And His Dog. He was interested in pursuing a career as a jockey, but his mentor in the racing world encouraged him to pursue acting instead. Most impressively, he landed a job on the long running British soap opera Coronation Street. In 1962, he played Michael in a touring company of Peter Pan. He made his musical debut as The Artful Dodger in Oliver! in London. By November, he was set to be incorporated into the Broadway production of the show.

In April, 1963, Davy attended the 17^th Annual Tony Awards. He was nominated for best supporting actor, but did not win. In July, he appeared on CBS Televisons The Talent Scouts, singing a medley of “Consider Yourself” and “Where Is Love?”.

 In 1964, Davy met with Ward Sylvester of Columbia Pictures to discuss a Hollywood contract for the young actor. Sunday, February 9^th, 1964, Davy appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show as part of the Oliver! cast. Another promising young British act, The Beatles, made their debut on this episode of the show as well. 73 million people viewed the broadcast. In September, Hollywood Reporter reported that Davy Jones had signed a long – term contract to Screen Gems. “It will include a TV series, a recording contract for the company’s Colpix label, and feature films for Columbia Pictures.”

In 1965, Jones began touring with Pickwick, the follow up to Oliver!  Dream Girl / Take Me To Paradise, Davy’s first single, was released in February, following an elaborate, running promotional campaign in Billboard Magazine. According to the ad, Davy’s fan club already numbered in the thousands, and articles about him appear regularly in Tiger Beat and other teen mags. October saw the release of another solo Davy single “The Girl From Chelsea / Theme for A New Love”. That same month, Davy appeared on the show The Farmer’s Daughter, and surprisingly, sings I’m Gonna Buy Me a Dog, a novelty song later associated with The Monkees.

He shot a screen test for The Monkees on The Farmer’s Daughter set, apparently between takes. Some twenty years later, Davy would reveal that he was originally to have his own solo show, but the phenomena of The Beatles dictated a show about a quartet of rockers instead.

Before the end of the year, he appeared to promote his solo single on Dick Clark’s Where the Action Is and Shindig!. He also appeared as a glue sniffing wife – beater (our Davy!?!?!?!) on the medical drama Ben Casey.  

He recorded an entire album’s worth of material during the sessions that produced his singles. It would be released as David Jones in March of 1967.

    

GEORGE MELIES' "A TRIP TO THE MOON"

Wow! Science fiction from 1902!

HOLY CRATERS BRUCE -- IT'S BAT MEN ON THE MOON!

Drawing by unknown artist (circa 1969), colored by Bob Kronlage 

          In 1835 The New York Sun was a fledgling newspaper with few subscribers -- that is, until August of that year, when the paper published news of a potentially staggering scientific discovery. The story was credited to the prestigious Edinburgh Journal of Science (The National Geographic of their day.) It stated that Sir John Herschel (The Stephen Hawking of their day) had invented an incredible, high powered telescope (it was the Hubble of their day). The British astronomer was now able to view the surface of the moon in astonishing detail. Journalist Richard Adam Locke filled the story with incomprehensibly elaborate technical jargon and complex diagrams to impress the paper’s readership with the obvious “intelligence” (and thus, integrity) of the author.

          The next day, in his second installment of the story, Locke reported that Herschel had discovered that the surface of the moon was similar to an earthly tropical paradise. Herschel had witnessed blue ocean, white sand with palm trees, and tropical forests. Most intriguingly, he also saw pyramids built of amethysts – an undeniable sign of intelligent life on the moon! News spread like wildfire and enthralled readers couldn’t wait to read of Herschel’s new discoveries. They weren’t disappointed.

          Article three related the discovery of animal life on the moon, including; bison, unicorns, amphibious creatures unlike anything on earth, moose, goats, cranes, pelicans and reindeer. Beavers on the moon are exactly like those on earth, with the amazing exceptions that extraterrestrial beavers walk on their hind legs, carry their babies in their arms in the manner of humans, and they live in huts built on stilts. Smoke could be seen curling up from holes in the roofs, indicating that moon beavers had discovered how to control fire as a heating tool. These astonishing revelations became the talk of New York, and these exclusive scoops made The New York Sun an overnight sensation.

          Yet, to even the most gullible reader, the construction of pyramids seemed beyond the ability of even the most advanced extraterrestrial beaver. Surely there must have been an even more advanced lunar life form responsible.

          The fourth and final installment of the series solved that mystery, with Herschel’s most spectacular discovery of all – bat men on the moon! Herschel witnessed three parties of Vespertilio homo (bat-men) numbering nine, twelve, and fifteen in a group. They stood approximately four feet tall, with membranous wings stretching from their shoulders down to their ankles. These wings were retractable to the point of not being visible. Their faces were yellow, their facial features, “an improvement on that of an earth orangutan”. The hair on their head was a darker color and arranged in two spit curls, one over each half of the forehead. The rest of their body was covered in shiny, copper colored fur. Due to strange atmospheric conditions, their feet were not easily observable. The bat-men were never witnessed working, but appeared to be fruit gatherers. The only obvious signs of their industriousness were their pyramids, which were supported on pillars estimated to be 70 feet tall and six feet square.

          Reports on the moon and its fantastic inhabitants unavoidably ended when, alas, Herschel absent – mindedly left his telescope aimed at the sun and the lens melted.

          Sun readership rocketed to 15,000 on the day of the first report. By the time the series ended, the paper’s circulation was 19,360, making it the most popular newspaper in the world. Of course, The Edinburgh Journal of Science hadn’t originally published these discoveries. Sir John Herschel had not discovered any of these discoveries, and he didn’t have the telescope to do it. The New York Sun had established a huge, devoted audience by reporting total lies. (They were the Fox News of their day.)  

BOB & RAY -- The KOMODO DRAGON

Sorry there's not much here visually, but after all, they were radio comedians.

BOB & RAY -- Like A Banana Daiquiri, Served Very Dry.

Bob Andre writing an appreciation of Bob and Ray! Coincidence? Of course not. I wasn’t going to call myself Laurel N. Hardy, or Mark Sbrothers, and I certainly couldn’t have used the pseudonyms Monty Python or Thecastof SCTV. I will admit that Monty Python is my all – time favorite comedy team, and the rest of those guys I just listed all tie for second place, so the great Bob & Ray are very important to me.
According to Wikipedia (since facts were meant to be cut and pasted);

“Bob Elliott (born 1923) and Ray Goulding (1922–1990) were an American comedy team whose career spanned five decades. Their format was typically to satirize the medium in which they were performing, such as conducting radio or television interviews, with off-the-wall dialogue presented in a generally deadpan style as though it were a serious broadcast.
Elliott and Goulding began as radio announcers (Elliott a disc jockey, and Goulding a news reader) in Boston with their own separate programs on station WHDH-AM, and each would visit with the other while on the air. Their informal banter was so appealing that WHDH would call on them, as a team, to fill in when Red Sox baseball broadcasts were rained out. Elliott and Goulding (not yet known as Bob and Ray) would improvise comedy routines all afternoon, and joke around with studio musicians.
Elliott and Goulding's brand of humor caught on, and WHDH gave them their own weekday show in 1946. Matinee with Bob and Ray was originally a 15-minute show, soon expanding to half an hour. (When explaining why Bob was billed first, Goulding claimed that it was because "Matinee with Bob and Ray" sounded better than "Matinob with Ray and Bob".) Their trademark sign-off was "This is Ray Goulding reminding you to write if you get work"; "Bob Elliott reminding you to hang by your thumbs".
They continued on the air for over four decades on the NBC, CBS, and Mutual networks, and on New York City stations WINS, WOR, and WHN. From 1973 to 1976 they were the afternoon drive hosts on WOR, doing a four-hour show. In their last incarnation, they were heard on National Public Radio, ending in 1987.”
Along the way, they made numerous appearances on “The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson, “Late Night with David Letterman” and they were even allowed to commandeer an entire special episode of “Saturday Night Live”, retitled “Bob & Ray, Jane, Loraine & Gilda”. The entire show was made up of Bob & Ray skits performed by Bob & Ray and the original female cast members of the SNL – Belushi, Aykroyd, et al. had the week off – an ostentatious showcase for the older generation comedy team, provided by America’s hottest young comedy upstarts. They transformed their best comedy skits into a pair of hit Broadway two – man shows; “Bob & Ray – The Two and Only” and “Bob & Ray – A Night of Two Stars.” They played several characters, including Arthur Godfrey, David Brinkley & Walter Cronkite in Norman Lear’s dark, satirical feature film “Cold Turkey”.     
They were the first proponents of a certain type of modern comedy – creating skits which were self – consciously about comedy style, or more accurately about the absence of it. They were the originators of the non-joke, the ‘skit about nothing’, and their bland, inane conversations were presented with such unquestioningly deadpan delivery, that they, somehow, entered the realm of the absurd and even the surreal.
For example, there is “Mary Backstayge, Noble Wife” an ongoing soap opera “parody” which has NO soap opera like qualities. In one classic installment, Mary & Harry Backstayge and Pop Beloved, stage doorman are visited by their buffoonish neighbor Calvin Hoogavin, and for the entire episode they discuss the potential disappointment of having your sock heel unexpectedly fall off.
What housewife would watch a soap opera called ”Matt Neffer, Boy Spot Welder”? 
However, some of their parodies are a bit more conventional, like their 1980’s prime-time soap parody “Garish Summit”. In one particularly memorable episode, Rodney Merchfield discovers that his older brother Caldwell stands between him and his inheritance. He invites big brother to join him on a hunting trip. Rodney carries the only shotgun into the woods, but he does let Caldwell carry a shovel…
There is “Grand Motel” “A speck of a place, a heck of a place on Route 61”, whose chief amenity is that guests may view the wall calendar in the lobby for free.
There is “The gathering Dusk”. In one episode, the narrator’s description of a luxury cruise quickly devolves into a lengthy alphabetical listing of the ship’s passengers. The broadcast falls apart when it occurs to the producer that the writer has simply filled up script pages by copying names out of the phonebook.
Bob & Ray never suffered a lack of sponsors. They included “Einbinder Flypaper ("The brand you've gradually grown to trust over the course of three generations"), The Croftweiler Industrial Cartel ("Makers of all sorts of stuff, made out of everything"), The United States Mint ("One of the nation's leading producers of genuine U.S. currency"), The Monongahela Metal Foundry ("Casting steel ingots with the housewife in mind"), Kretchford Braid and Tassel ("Next time you think of braid or tassel, rush into your neighborhood store and shout, 'Kretchford'!"), “Tingle” (the dental floss made from spun glass fibers) and many others.
Bob and Ray were, perhaps, less successful as entrepreneurs. Their “Bob & Ray’s House of Toast” offered the breakfast item in your choice of light, medium or darkly toasted. After an air conditioner malfunction in Bob & Ray’s Overstocked Warehouse, the duo offered super low prices on Chocolate Wobblies – formerly Chocolate Bunnies. To increase advertising, The Bob & Ray satellite got off the ground, but just barely. It hovered 10 feet off the Earth’s surface. Advertisers were offered a cheap rate to display their advertising posters on the sides of the satellite.
The true brilliance of Bob & Ray’s performances was, of course, their utter understatement. I only ever heard one of them play a character broadly once. It was in a “Mary Backstayge” skit, in which Harry Backstayge found himself spending the night in a strange European castle owned by a mysterious count. The Count (played by Ray) plays demented music on a pipe organ and speaks in an outrageously over – the – top Bella Lugosi type accent. Harry awakes the next morning with mysterious bite marks on his neck. Turns out his dentures came out in his sleep and he rolled over on them.
Of course, it is their “interviews” for which they are the most famous. These routines play on a favorite theme of Bob & Ray – a simple minded lack of communication. Their most famous skit, “The Komodo Dragon” epitomizes this aspect of the Bob & Ray style. Listen to it above. Their “call – in” programs are also excellent examples of this – one of their running joke styles goes something like this;
Caller: “Hi. I’m calling from a major city in Maryland. I’m calling because I’m afraid to go out in public.”
Host: “That’s agoraphobia.”
Caller: “No, it’s Baltimore. I have this overwhelming fear that if I go out in public I will want to steal everything I see.”
Host: “That’s kleptomania.”
Caller: “Well, you may be right, but I still say it’s Baltimore.”
Some of these interviews are conducted by Wally Bellow, who always seems to start speaking a second before the broadcast is transferred to him, resulting in his catch phrase, “   -ly Ballew here,”. Most famously, he once interviewed a cranberry grower, remaining utterly oblivious to the fact that a bank robbery and shoot out was taking place behind him throughout the entire interview.
Otherinterviews are conducted by Biff Burns in the sports room. There are interviews by “undiscovered sports figures” who champion bringing “sports” like ring-around-the-rosy, banister sliding, or Farmer in the Dell into the Olympics.
I could go on and on. I haven’t even mentioned; Rudolph & Irma’s Dance Studios, Bob & Ray’s Hard Luck Stories, Tales Guaranteed to leave you in … “Anxiety”, Ralph Flinger (Mr. I Know Where They Are), Hobby Hut with Neil Klummer, Tippy the Wonder Dog, Elmer W. Litzinger-- Spy, Mr. Trace – Keener than most persons, The Slow Talkers of America, The McBeeBee twins, Lawrence Fechtenberger – Interstellar Officer Candidate, Squad Car 119, Bob & Ray was There, Mary McGoon, Wing-Po – Itinerant Philosopher, Mr. Science, Fred Falvy – Do – it – yourselfer, Charles the Poet, Kent Lyle Birdly, Barry Campbell (The King of Square Music), Artie Schermerhorn, Webly Webster & Groundhog meat bulletins from the Office of Fluctuation Control and Ceiling Repairs, Bureau of Edible Condiments, Soluble, Insoluble and Indigestible Fats and Glutinous Derivatives.
But now I have, so I guess I’m done.
Virtually everything they ever did is available from www.Bob&Ray.com  

CHILDHOOD'S GREATEST SECRETS REVEALED!

          A few months ago, I bought a cool book called “Mail Order Mysteries” by Kirk DeMarais. The book solves dozens of childhood’s greatest mysteries – more specifically, it tells you (and shows you photos of) exactly what you would have gotten had you sent away for that impossibly great sounding junk that was advertised in the back of comic books in the 1950s through the 80s.

          The book’s afterword, by Jesse Thorn, is actually rather profound and sad. In it, he states, “Growing up, is in large part, about adjusting to the narrowing of possibility.” The companies that ran these ads knew that they were relying on the naïve reactions of little kids who, although they ultimately probably knew better, were still holding out to the possibility that these ads somehow HAD to deliver what they were promising. “If they actually send me a seven foot tall moon monster, those bullies at school will never pick on me again! It’s only a buck – what the heck!” (That is – if your parents would actually give you a buck for such nonsense – exactly the obstacle that has kept so many of us in the dark all these years.)

          Common sense tells us that, if there were such a thing as “X-Ray Specs” that would allow you to see any woman you want naked, they would NOT have concentric red and white circles on the lenses, and they would NOT be labeled in 20 point type as “X-RAY VISION”. They would not be sold for a dollar in “Casper the Friendly Ghost” comics. If they actually worked, they would be as non-descript as possible, would sell for thousands of dollars in the back of Penthouse Magazine, and – you know how these things always go – you wouldn’t even know they exist until you see the TV news item explaining that they are outlawed and are now unattainable. Yet, a kid holds out belief that, somehow, adults are required to be honest.

           Considering what flimsy junk this stuff actually is, it’s surprising the stuff actually exists in sufficiently good condition to be photographed for the book. This book uncovers the mystery (in all it’s pathetic non-glory) of; The Hypno – Coin, The Ventrillo Voice Thrower, Hercules Wrist Band, The Charles Atlas Fitness Program, Kryptonite Rocks, 100 Toy Soldiers for $1.25, The Atomic Mini – Pistol, The Loud Carbide Cannon, The Polaris Nuclear Sub that seats two!, Real seven foot Monsters, U-Control 7 Foot Life Size Ghost (Shouldn’t that be “Death Size”? – B.A) , 7 Gigantic Dinosaurs, Build Your Own Monster Plans, Bloody Finger, Vampire Blood, Vampire Bat, Real Soil From Dracula’s Castle, Shock Monster Rubber Masks – with Hair!, Money Maker, Free One Million Dollars in Cash (Yeah – right! – B.A.), Raquel Welch Pillow, 1001 Things You Can Get For Free, Switchblade Comb, Vacutex Blackhead Remover, Jet “Rocket” Spaceship for $2.98 (Considering it is not a jet or a spaceship, one wonders why they only felt compelled to put the word “rocket” in quotation marks – B.A.),  Air Car Hovercraft, 9-Foot Hot Air Balloon, Electronic Love Detector, Secret Spy Scope, Secret Agent Spy Camera, Build A Working Laser Pistol, Sneezing Powder, Itching Powder, Joy Buzzer, Whoopie Cushion, Fly In Ice, Cigarette Snowstorm, Snowstorm Tablets, Smoking Pet, Life Like Lady’s Legs, Venus Fly Trap (Sorry girls – they wouldn’t send you Tim Reid!) Bag Full o’ Laffs, Surprise Package and many others, including, of course, Real – Live Sea  Monkeys and those legendary X-Ray Specs!!!

WORLD'S WEIRDEST COMICS Pt 3

REAGAN’S RAIDERS (1986)

75 year – old Ronald Reagan, V.P. George Bush Sr., Caspar Weinberger and the rest of Reagan’s cabinet become Rambo-esque Special Forces agents fighting for truth, justice and the American Way. (Well, maybe not for truth or justice…)

HERBIE (1963)

The strangest super hero in the history of comics, Herbie is a short, morbidly obese boy with a bowl haircut and a never changing dim-witted expression. His father calls him “a fat little nothing”. Dad is oblivious to the facts that Herbie can walk on air, talks to animals, travels through time and is indestructible – superpowers he apparently gets from his lollipops. In the issue pictured above, Herbie is called upon by Winston Churchill to capture the Loch Ness monster. After he succeeds, he is knighted by Queen Elizabeth. In another story, Herbie suspects a milkman of embezzling milk money, so Herbie poses as a baby and drinks up his entire supply of milk. Fans of the comic speculate that Herbie may be mentally ill, and these stories depict his inner fantasy life.

CHAPLAINS AT WAR (1946)

16 stories of enlisted ministers and priests who sacrificed their lives so that other soldiers could live. (Hey – I said they were weird, I never said they were all funny.)

RICKIE AND DEBBIE IN SARDINELAND (1967, reprinted 1987) (Odd, since the family look as if they are from the 1940’s – B.A.)

This comic book is intended to get teenagers enthusiastic about commercial sardine fishing. Cover dialogue balloons; Ricky; “Look at that! I already knew Maine was famous for vacations .. that’s where we’ve come to spend ours right now” (Exposition anyone? – B.A,) Debbie;” And now you know that Maine is famous for sardines too!” Dad; “That’s right, Debbie. Millions of Maine sardines are caught every year, with the total catch exceeding a billion annually!” (A billion annually, but you want to make sure you mention the millions leading up to the billion too! – B.A.)

(At least they didn’t name the kids Sam ‘n’ Patty – B.A)  

UPDATE !!!!

P.S. PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE MONTHLY

In the last installment of “The Worlds Weirdest Comics” (01/08/12), I ran a short piece on this long running U.S Army publication. I have since received new information on the venerable publication. In 2004, P.S. ran a story called, “Mogmart’s school of Magical PM”. Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling’s attorneys sued the publication for copyright infringement. Apparently these Brits forgot how we saved their sorry asses (excuse me, ‘arses’) during “The Big One” (WWII)., and are no longer grateful to the U.S. Army for saving the world from being ruled by Nazis. Anyhoo, rational thought prevailed, and “Mogmart’s” was defended AS PARODY, which we should all have the right to do.

ALSO – It has come to my attention that there is currently a BEST OF P.S. PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE MONTHLY book available through Abrams Comicarts Publications. Undoubtedly it is available due to the fact that for several years it was created by legendary cartoonist Will Eisner. The book just covers the years when Eisner was at it’s helm.

LONZO & OSCAR and COUSIN JODY

TEA PARTIERS -- WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

These patriotic Tea Partiers dislayed their work ethic by skipping work on a Wednesday to protest a 4% tax increase on their employers.

Hello Tea Partiers!

           You were sharp enough to believe Donald Trump when he said a black man named Barrack Hussein Obama cannot be a U.S. citizen. You were perceptive enough to get on the band wagon when Senator Chuck Grassley (Rep. IA) said that Obama’s health care plan would lead to death panels. You were sufficiently insightful to see the logic of Glenn Beck’s statement that Obama is a guy who hates white people (so, that would include the mother and grandparents who raised him – BIG DEAL!).

             But PEOPLE – YOU’RE MISSING THREE MAJOR ABUSES OF OUR TAX DOLLARS! You simply MUST begin protesting these UNAMERICAN TAX EXPENDITURES ASAP!

             1) On the state level, why are we allowing our tax dollars to go to state universities that teach Liberal Arts? For God’s sake why won’t someone take a stand against this brain washing of our children? At the very least we should insist that these colleges devote equal time to teaching Conservative Arts! I’m not suggesting that these colleges teach that conservative arts are right and liberal arts are wrong. (There’ll be plenty of time to fight for changing that later…)

             2) I was shocked recently to learn that almost 100% of our federal tax dollars go to THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA! Why isn’t that money staying here in the United States? Is this money going to subsidize some little group of coffee growers illegally importing their crop into the U.S.? Think about it – they are not even telling us which district in Columbia the money is going to – just “the” district. Tell us which district of Columbia is receiving all our tax dollars, Obama, and we will tell you the one Spanish word known to all Americans –“NO!”

             3) Believe it or not, about one 50^th of our Federal tax dollars are being spent in support of a NEW MEXICO! It’s bad enough those people are illegally crossing our borders, but now Obama is shoveling about one 50^th of our hard earned tax dollars into a NEW MEXICO right here on U.S. property! He’s flagrantly doing it right before your eyes people! Check out any recent U.S. map and you will see it is right there – plainly marked and already quite a sizable piece of land!

             Wake up and smell the coffee tea partiers! If you don’t, before you know it, the liberals will be telling you, “You’ve buttered your bread, now you can sleep in it!

            We need everyone in The United States to think like a rich (BUT NOT TOO RICH!) ultra – conservative politician, or talk – show host.