CHILDHOOD'S GREATEST SECRETS REVEALED!

          A few months ago, I bought a cool book called “Mail Order Mysteries” by Kirk DeMarais. The book solves dozens of childhood’s greatest mysteries – more specifically, it tells you (and shows you photos of) exactly what you would have gotten had you sent away for that impossibly great sounding junk that was advertised in the back of comic books in the 1950s through the 80s.

          The book’s afterword, by Jesse Thorn, is actually rather profound and sad. In it, he states, “Growing up, is in large part, about adjusting to the narrowing of possibility.” The companies that ran these ads knew that they were relying on the naïve reactions of little kids who, although they ultimately probably knew better, were still holding out to the possibility that these ads somehow HAD to deliver what they were promising. “If they actually send me a seven foot tall moon monster, those bullies at school will never pick on me again! It’s only a buck – what the heck!” (That is – if your parents would actually give you a buck for such nonsense – exactly the obstacle that has kept so many of us in the dark all these years.)

          Common sense tells us that, if there were such a thing as “X-Ray Specs” that would allow you to see any woman you want naked, they would NOT have concentric red and white circles on the lenses, and they would NOT be labeled in 20 point type as “X-RAY VISION”. They would not be sold for a dollar in “Casper the Friendly Ghost” comics. If they actually worked, they would be as non-descript as possible, would sell for thousands of dollars in the back of Penthouse Magazine, and – you know how these things always go – you wouldn’t even know they exist until you see the TV news item explaining that they are outlawed and are now unattainable. Yet, a kid holds out belief that, somehow, adults are required to be honest.

           Considering what flimsy junk this stuff actually is, it’s surprising the stuff actually exists in sufficiently good condition to be photographed for the book. This book uncovers the mystery (in all it’s pathetic non-glory) of; The Hypno – Coin, The Ventrillo Voice Thrower, Hercules Wrist Band, The Charles Atlas Fitness Program, Kryptonite Rocks, 100 Toy Soldiers for $1.25, The Atomic Mini – Pistol, The Loud Carbide Cannon, The Polaris Nuclear Sub that seats two!, Real seven foot Monsters, U-Control 7 Foot Life Size Ghost (Shouldn’t that be “Death Size”? – B.A) , 7 Gigantic Dinosaurs, Build Your Own Monster Plans, Bloody Finger, Vampire Blood, Vampire Bat, Real Soil From Dracula’s Castle, Shock Monster Rubber Masks – with Hair!, Money Maker, Free One Million Dollars in Cash (Yeah – right! – B.A.), Raquel Welch Pillow, 1001 Things You Can Get For Free, Switchblade Comb, Vacutex Blackhead Remover, Jet “Rocket” Spaceship for $2.98 (Considering it is not a jet or a spaceship, one wonders why they only felt compelled to put the word “rocket” in quotation marks – B.A.),  Air Car Hovercraft, 9-Foot Hot Air Balloon, Electronic Love Detector, Secret Spy Scope, Secret Agent Spy Camera, Build A Working Laser Pistol, Sneezing Powder, Itching Powder, Joy Buzzer, Whoopie Cushion, Fly In Ice, Cigarette Snowstorm, Snowstorm Tablets, Smoking Pet, Life Like Lady’s Legs, Venus Fly Trap (Sorry girls – they wouldn’t send you Tim Reid!) Bag Full o’ Laffs, Surprise Package and many others, including, of course, Real – Live Sea  Monkeys and those legendary X-Ray Specs!!!